ir#5: The Future

I want to find ideals and not ideas. I want to find passions and not feelings. I want to live by quotes and not cliches. I want to feel alive in knowing that I can conquer my fears and my inertia. I want to know that some day I can look back on knowing that when I was 19, what the hell was I so worried about?

And really, I don’t even know why I’m so scared of admitting to myself that things are worth fighting for, things are worth losing and that at the end of the day I’d be happy knowing that I took the risk. I want to spill my soul to the world and be truthful to myself.

Losing is painful. But learning is a painful process. And living is a painful process. And I have to overcome that pain and the fear of that pain.

I want to express myself in such a way that originality encompasses all that I am and all that I will ever be. I do not want to live by the lines in a movie or the feelings in a book—I want to be free: free from money, free from religion, free from fear.

I want to have the courage to live my life.

ir#4: Giving Up

I think I realized why I want to do everything in life—renaissance man, so to speak. I think I realized why I incessantly insist on doing everything and anything possible to pursue perfectibility—a constantly gnawing obsession to improve and tinker; modify and change.

I hate giving up. I hate every idea of giving up. I hate everything about the notion that somehow conceding something will be a strategically savvy move. If you love something enough, you will fight with it and stick with it no matter what. And I think the more you interact with smart, intellectual, ambitious people the more you realize that their success is not exclusively or majorly a product of their intellect or innate knowledge. It’s a product of their insistence. I will win. I will be perfect. 

And really in a way, although more often than not, this stubborn insistence will break your heart, beat your soul and you will feel like giving up—the nobility, what’s admirable is in the fact that you don’t give up. I don’t want to give up on my dreams, my love, my passion, my soul. I don’t want to give up on everybody I know and I don’t want to give up on myself. And I might fail. I might have my heart broken and my dreams crushed and lose faith in all things including myself—but at least, at the very least I kept true to my love, my ideals, my principles, myself. 

“The infinite possibilities each day holds should stagger the mind. The sheer number of experiences I could have is uncountable, breathtaking, and I’m sitting here refreshing my inbox. We lived trapped in loops, reliving a few days over and over, and we envision only a handful of paths laid out ahead of us. We see the same things each day, we respond the same way, we think the same thoughts, each day a slight variation on the last, every moment smoothly following the gentle curves of societal norms. We act like if we just get through today, tomorrow our dreams will come back to us.

And no, I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know how to jolt myself into seeing what each moment could become. But I do know one thing: the solution doesn’t involve watering down my every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of some day easing my fit into a mold. It doesn’t involve tempering my life to better fit someone’s expectations. It doesn’t involve constantly holding back for fear of shaking things up.

This is very important, so I want to say it as clearly as I can:

Fuck. That. Shit. 


xkcd, Randall Munroe”

Don’t give up on your love. Ever. It’s never worth it.